As you may know from my previous posts that I’m gay. It sounds like it may not be a big deal for most pf the people, but it’s truly a big deal, or should say a huge issue, for me and for my family. I come from a quite conservative family in Taiwan. I’m the youngest of four, I have three older sisters. People from the western world may not understand the true meaning when I say “I have three older sisters, and I’m the youngest of four.” But in Taiwan, or the community influenced by the traditional Chinese culture, people would know the true meaning behind it.
Yes, I’m the only son in the family and I have the responsibility to keep the family name alive. I still remembered when I was little, I heard the conversation between my parents and their friends, my mom will introduce me as the only boy in the family and it’s her creation after 10 years since gave birth to my sisters. At that time, honestly, I was quite proud of myself and knew that I was the one and only. My family always indulge me. But from tome to time, when I’m getting older and discovering my sexual orientation, I started to understand the pressure on me was getting heavier. My parents asked me about my relationship status when I was in college. I remembered I was always dodging their questioning. It gives me more and more pressure gradually. I know why they keep asking about this kind of questions, because I have to marry a woman and to give birth of child, and it’s better to be some boys because that’s the only way to keep the family name alive. I really don’t want to disappoint my family, I want to live up to their expectations. But the truth is that the sexuality is not the thing I can change, I truly want to change to make them happy if I could.
I explored my sexual orientation quite young, and I was acting quite feminine when I was little. But my parents never doubt me if I’m gay, or maybe they just ignored the brutal truth and deny their son would be gay. When I’m getting older, I behave myself perfectly. I didn’t go to any night life scenes and avoid to involve in any gay scenes in Taiwan. So back in the days, my sex life and social life as a gay man was completely dead in Taiwan. However, after I came to London, it was a great awakening for me. I can do whatever I want without being monitored. I really want to explore the real me inside, me as an openly gay man. I want to explore it and document my sex and social through lenses and hope the picture can tell the stories to the people and also to the other gay man who has the same situation just like me as who has to carry the family name alive as a gay man.
To be honest, I’m still struggling with these kind of question from my parents ’til these days. And it makes me wonder that will my pictures could speak itself to the public and more importantly, I want to let the other gay men who has the same struggle like me can feel relate and let them know they are not alone.
So my research question is:
How can documentary photography foster belonging for conservative family’s repressed only gay son who has to keep their family name alive in Taiwan?
I think the question is a bit long, so I think it has to refine…?
Update of the refined question:
How can documentary photography connect Taiwanese gay sons in an ultra conservative family?
