Through the past few weeks, I truly don’t know which thing makes me feel lonelier, the rejection and carelessness from other guys or the moment of post casual sex?
For my primary research, I supposed to find other gay men to have intimacy with me and to experience if this could kill loneliness or not. But sadly, there’s not much going on recently to be honest. I really don’t know what went wrong. I had decent talk with several guys on the app, but some just disappeared during the conversation and some just ignore my message. I’m start thinking that maybe that’s because of my appearance? or my body type? or I’m not attractive at all?
Had many rejections from others actually defeat my confidence quite a lot. It takes time to digest for all the turndowns. I start to believe there’s a hierarchy system in the gay scene, and I believe I’m on the lowest level. But I think it’s also an opportunity to experience the real gay world of dating scenes right now in London, it’s cruel but it’s real. I’m still ongoing looking for any chances and I hope it will be better!
Besides the not-so-good news for my primary research, I went pretty well on my secondary research. According to the feedback from Richard and Richie during the unit 2 presentation, they said my reading list has no books for reference, because I start this new project quite late. After that, I found some relatable references from libraries of several colleges.
Here’s the reading list so far:
Vennekom, J. and Jonkers, G. (2006) BUTT BOOK. Germany: Taschen.
Aldrich, R. (2008) Gay Life and Culture. New York: Rizzoli.
Mikhailov, B. (1999) Case History. Germany: Scalo.
Aldrich, R. (2012) Gay Life Stories. United Kingdom: Thames and Hudson.
Young, I. (1995) The Stonewall Experiment. United Kingdom: Cassell.
Also, there are some books are to be delivered to CSM library.
A Gay History of Britain: Love and Sex Between Men Since the Middle Ages by Harry Cocks, Matt Cook and Robert Mills
Gay Pornography by John Mercer
Gaydar Culture: Gay Men, Technology and embodiment in the Digital Age by Sharif Mowlabocus